bitterwaitress

 

Commonly Observed Traits and Characteristics:  

 

Above-normal height, blank stares, intimidating thiness, trust funds. 

 

Diet:

 

Altoids®, Cosmopolitans, American Spirits, Cocaine, Skim-milk cappucinos. 

 

Commentary: 

 

The origin andevolution of the Hostess remain a mystery. Even until recent times their appearance has been spotty at best, seen only on the weekends and for special occasions. Subsequently, hostesses began appearing during the evening (often remaining very late). Currently, hostesses can be found at all hours of the day, though they are - and will likely remain - a fundamentally nocturnal creature. Itis believed that significant advances in under-eye concealer have allowed their recent forays into daylight.  

 

In general the hostess enjoys above-average facial appearance and secondary genitalia. Often, she is disproportionately tall and thin, sometimes freakishly so. The hostess prefers a wardrobe primarily of quality designer items, and often accentuates her height with heeled shoes or boots. Fully clad, the hostess, though thin, cuts and imposing figure, abetted bythe presence of an intimidating wooden or modernist podium from which greetings and seats areoccasionally dispensed. On rare occasions the hostess may be spotted holding a telephone.  The exercise routines of the hostess are limited yet vigorous. Their frequent and routine performance result in occasional glimmers of higher thought processes and human-like ingenuity. It is believedthat increases in intelligence, combined with a natural dexterity, could force the evolution of thehostess in a relatively short period of time. Indeed, reports, though unconfirmed, have been submitted of actual transformations of a hostess into a Maitre d’. 

 

The physical activities of the hostess include: lifting telephone handsets, glancing at papers orcomputer screens, feigning interest and, most frequently, walking from one point to another andback. More advanced members of the species have been witnessed performing discernibly more complex actions such as taking telephone messages, wiping menus and offering verbal greetings to passers-by. All hostess have the innate ability to discretely take cash and insert it into a small pocket on their garments. Curiously, this last act almost always results in increased name and face recognition. It is not certain whether this response is hard-wired into their reptilian brain core, or is simply a rapidly learned behavior resulting from several generations of natural selection.    

 

Feeding:

 

The diet of the hostess, and her ability to survive and occasionally thrive, on (or despite) it, remains something of a conundrum. Rarely is a hostess seen ingesting food, though often they will nervously move nourishing items around on a plate with a simple utensil. To some extent this can be attributed to their frequent consumption of appetite-reducing substances such as caffeine, nicotine and cocaine (CNC). Indeed, the frequent CNC consumption may prove the source of their thin and often wan appearance. Interestingly, when the hostess does feed, it is often in gargantuan portions consumed at a rapid pace. Several studies are underway in New York, Los Angeles and Miami and to gain further insight into this phenomenon. Some evidence exists that this behavior occurs largely in private and out of sight of potential mates. It is widely known, however, that such extreme consumption is frequently followed by oral purging (vomiting). We remain greatly concerned for the well-being of the hostess. In general she survives socially and financially through a variety of suitors, most of whom precede her in age by severaldecades or supercede her in authority by several ranks (e.g. Management). This is fortunate for those of the species lacking trust funds or having excessively large CNC habits.   

 

Attempts are underway to breed hostesses with greater capacities for survival and self-preservation. Short-term goals include increasing the frequency of caloric intake and retention, decreasing CNC dependence and encouraging more frequent forays into daylight. Medium-term goals include increasing motor skills such allowing them to move in patterns other than straight lines, to carry drinks and to open doors. Long term goals, predicated on the addition of a third digit to the average IQ of the species, will hopefully include the processing of credit cards, remembering the locations of stashed cocaine and discernment between lunch and dinner menus.   

 

Note that no males of thespecies have yet been found in the wild or bred in captivity.