bitterwaitress

It seems like a simple enough question. This restaurant is here to make money, right? Well, if you think that, you fall into one of two camps:  people who don’t know the business at all, or people who know the business and are pursuing another agenda.  In other words, the purpose of a restaurant can never really be to make money. At least not a fine dining establishment, although the specialty market is ripe with per-square-foot profit (think Starbucks). 

 

Let’s look at the first group - the newbies. Lesson number one folks:  restaurants operate on razor thin margins (yes, I’m being understanding. Not compassionate, because you should know into what you have gotten yourself ) If you are going into this business with less than a full year of operating expenses you are going to fail, at least in any major market. Well, probably any market. Perhaps if you own the property outright you stand a chance. But not likely. You will not have counted on the numerous fines you will receive for violations you didn’t know existed. What? The kitchen guys have to wear hats? Unless you’re staff are skinheads, then yeah.  

 

You will probably resist accepting the fact that 10% or more of your gross will fly, saunter or vanish out the door - as theft, loss or comps. You will operate under the delusion that the customer is always right. You will look over your business plan - you have one, don’t you? - and wonder why the consultant who convinced you to fork over $200 an hour  for their services failed to include these relevant facts. You will believe the Aloha/Micros/Squirrel/etc. rep. when she or he tells you their system cannot be out-smarted by your service staff. You will nod, glassy-eyed when they offer to pre-program in important things like Pink Squirrels, Sazerac’s and a host of other unused cocktails into your system for a mere $100 an hour. (Let me translate that for you:  it’s 10 good plates, a case of decent Zinfandel for a house pour, or a fraction of the violation you will get for not having someone with a Food Handler’s Certificate on premise.) Then they will dangle all those modifier keys you will need, like “lite salt.”

 

You wear your naivete on your sleeve. 

 

 

Let me make this very simple for those of you new to this business:  people are snakes. Consultants, vendors, employees (sometimes), inspectors, ad salespeople (who lead you to believe their sales pitch is an interview.) If you are new in this business, you’d best be a snake too. Or if you are new and a natural and gentle disposition prevents you from being a snake, well you are to be lauded for your integrity. But, go out as quickly as you can and hire a mongoose.

 

So what about the other camp - the veterans with experience, failure, possibly rehab(s) under their belt(s) - why exactly do they open a restaurant? One reason is vanity. The other is as a loss leader.

 

Let’s start with the second option, Cafe Loss Leader. Basically, this store operates as the first in a string of several planned locations. Multiplicity is the only sure way to profit in the restaurant business. Aggregating expenses, materials, supplies and staff is a great cost-saver, provide it that you know what you’re doing. You cannot rob Bistro Peter to staff and stock Brasserie Paul. But you can negotiate a lower price on the volume of Communion wine you buy. 

 

The other type of loss leader is the showcase restaurant - essentially a culinary catalogue - that illustrates in multiple senses the talents of the chef so they can book private events or off-premise catering. There is an extraordinary amount of  money to be made in this manner, and it is directly proportional to the talent of the chef and the chachet she or he has created with their showcase spot. A great example of this is Daniel, in Manhattan.

 

And now a trip to Trattoria Vanity, where the Rocco diSpiritos of the world are busy using the magic mirror for something other than emotional stroking. The parade of restaurants opened on a modicum of talent and a full measure of ego is as staggering as the confetti of shredded careers left in their wake. And yes, that sentence was intentionally as convoluted as the menu descriptions these restaurants often employ.

 

If you want to open a vanity restaurant, by all means do so. For those of you in the first group - the “newbies” you should track these places - they are an excellent source of talented sous chefs, line cooks and quality used kitchen equipment (no culinary genius in his right mind - well, you know - would think to open without a $40k magnetic induction stove) when they implode. And they always implode.

 

A little off-topic, but I love the ego-stroking disguised as branding which these places employ. Custom printed hand towels for the toilets. Armani uniforms for the staff. Henckel steak knives with the chef’s name custom-carved in them. Bottles of sauce, salt, etc. bearing the name of Trattoria Vanity and a hefty price tag. Hell, it won’t be long before I come across a Bobby Flay condom. Eww. Now I feel sick.

 

And that’s often what happens after dining at the Trattoria.